Sorry, Nice Guys....

Yes, you DO finish last.
...and I'm one of the girls who has you thinking about going bad.
I mean,ladies, we all say we want a nice guy. We list desirable traits such as: sweet, smart, spiritual, employed, etc....But when it physically walks up and says hello, it's just not as interesting as it sounded.
So I'm sorry. I've been approached by so many guys who were so "nice"....I almost felt bad about not giving them half a chance.

I guess that's why they call it chemistry. We do actually want you to possess all those things, just in the right amounts. The formula has to be just right.
Can I have:
nice...but not too agreeable?
kind...but not soft?
intelligent...but not in constant neo-soul mode, hittin me with yo deep prison philosophies?
Spiritual...but not condemning or judgmental? (There's that word again: see post "Non-Church Folk Love to Tell Church Folk How to Act")
Polite....not mousy?
Compliments...but not ass kissing?
Affectionate...not smothereing?
Interested...not aggressive and desperate?

Sooo yeah, I guess I need you to be an alchemist. They call it chemistry cuz you gotta have the right combination, baby!

This One's For You

I am
the general - four stars
A perfect gem - no flaws
Tight ass lyric, for 16 sick bars
One bat of my eyelash took your breath away
Play action! You went for the fake
Sumthin like a running back, how I gave you the shake
Threw you a half-smile from over my shoulder
You text your girl a lie, Don't think tonite you'll make it over
The spark in my eye led you over to the bar
Told me don't take another step, my heel mite land on your heart
So cheesy it was cute, I gave you a pass
Guard is always up, but you got me to laugh

Then I looked in your face, and you look 35,
In some damn Ed Hardy with those blinding designs
Trynna stunt and ball with your old, greasy game
I know other, gullible girls were impressed by your hood fame
But I'ma make up a name and throw off a digit
As you adjust your bulge, so sure you gon get it
Proud of urself - you just know you done did it!
You strolled over here, all full of confidence,
And I said, "Wait! Didn't I see you at the Parent Teacher Conference?"

My People, Don't Do THIS

This is the fall-out from a news conference after a football game last Sunday where a black reporter asked a very controversial/combative question of the head coach. Disrespectful in fact.

The title may sound accusatory, but it's not...I understand all about positioning yourself for the next step. But my people, when you do stuff like this, you make it hard for the rest of us. Shouldn't be like that, but it is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbQm8lG7vk8

Window Shopping

Honestly, when you watch shows like "My Super Sweet 16," "The Real Housewives of Orange County," and other shows that celebrate opulence, it doesn't make you jealous a little bit?
OR it doesn't give you the idea that they're living the "good life"...thereby telling you if you're not balling/looking like them, then you AREN'T living a"good life."
When you see "Flavor of Love" or "Rock of Love" or "The Girls Next Door," do they not tell you that's how you must look to be attractive to a rich, famous man? Tell me the truth: aren't we all being perpetually fed the same cookie cutter image of what life should look like? what you should look like? what you should wear?
Show me some more stuff like "house of payne" - two heavyset people happy with each other and their blue collar jobs.
Show me some more stuff like BET's "Brothers to Brutha" - 5 kids with two different mamas, substance abuse issues and illegitimate children...but they got each otha and they're reaching for their dreams!
Wait a minute- y'all know I went too far with that, complimenting BET lol...but I'ma have more on that Brutha show later...

Recession My Azz

The NFL announced yesterday that it will be laying off 10 percent of its workers in ANTICIPATION of a downturn in sponsorship and ticket sales because of the current economic climate.
They acknowledge this season went well - but they are still firing people IN CASE next season does not....Well, I would hate to be fired for an event that hasn't even taken place yet, but the NBA, MLB and NASCAR have already laid people off, and media conglomerate Viacom is getting ready to do the same.
I cannot believe this is happeneing, considering the role of sports and entertainment in times like these. When times are hard, vehicles of escapism rise in popularity, usually. No, people may not have $90 for a ticket to a game and gas money to get to the venue, but they'll buy a beer and watch it on TV, which means you should be able to sell advertising space, right? So HOW are these industries suffering?
Keep in mind, these are industries I want to get into. I've gotten responses back like, "We have decided not to hire for this position," or "This job opening is suspended indefinitely."
The job market is tough...I hear it every day...but "The soul of the sluggard desireth and hath not: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat."
SOMEBODY gets to stay when everyone else is getting sent home...SOMEBODY is still getting hired somewhere to do a job they love....
SO WHY CAN'T IT BE US????

Marginal Utility

This is just a question I've tossed around my mind:
If you are rich and famous to the point where you can buy anything you want, then what expectations do you have from the woman in your life? To put it another way, what makes one woman desirable over another?

To answer my own question:
I think it just comes down to attractiveness. At a certain point, all you need a woman for is to look good enough to make everyone else jealous, thereby boosting your status even more...but even that boggles me, because "eye candy" is replaceable...so what gets you from a pretty arm decoration to the title of "wife"?

I was at granny's house a couple weeks ago helping her make macaroni and cheese and sweet potato pie, and I said something about her doing the most with all her ingredients and processes and what not. She said to me, "Y'all don't know what it means to take the time to make a meal that tastes delicious."

Granny, I agree, but I think some of us won't ever have to. (I'm clearly not one of them, no rich man has come by with a gravy train just yet, so I'm guessing that means I need to have other things going for me.)
We know gender roles are changing, but I still don't think it would be unreasonable if my husband expected me to be domestically competent enough to say...fix dinner for the kids or mop the bathroom floor.

But if I am, say, a 25-year-old athlete with like $16 million in guaranteed money, then I can buy a chef....therefore, I don't need a woman who knows how to cook.
I can hire a nanny....so it wouldn't be a problem if my woman was high maintenance and had marginal mothering skills.
I can hire a housekeeper...so a woman wouldn't need to be clean and tidy.
I can hire a personal assistant...so a woman wouldn't have to be organized, or schedule things or plan anything or keep me on my toes and remind me of things I may forget.
I can hire a financial planner....so my woman wouldn't even have to necessarily balance her own checkbook.
I can hire a stylist...so the chick could be color blind; wouldn't matter.
I can hire a decorator...so it would be OK if the woman couldn't help pick dinner plates or couch pillows.
I can hire a personal makeup artist and hairstylist, and pay for weekly spa visits...so there'd be no excuse for any woman to look less than flawless from top to bottom on any given day.

So, with that in mind, what do I need a wife for, and what makes one gorgeous girl more desirable than another?

I thought about something else, after looking at things for a while...Money allows one to enter a whole different culture - you acquire expensive tastes and hobbies. A life of leisure is now the norm. You may suddenly enjoy things like skiing, hunting, snowboarding, eating sushi, riding motorcycles and ATVs, golfing, jet-skiing, buying nice cars, island-hopping, etc....Now, Keisha from 6 mile may not have had access to such activities in her urban upbringing...but Becky from Beverly Hills just might have done all these things routinely before seeing puberty, which means that you (black athlete/rapper/celeb X) now have more things in common with her than with the girls you used to get down with...Just a thought, but that's a whole 'nother topic.

Why White America May Fear Michelle More Than Barack

(THIS WAS AN E-MAIL FORWARD THAT I FELT COMPELLED TO POST...IT MAKES SENSE TO ME)
Excerpts from a 'Jack & Jill politics' newsletter:

...as hard as it is to accept a black president, it's even harder to accept a black first lady. First Lady has always held a beloved sentimental mother/wife of the nation symbolism. Conservatives are not ready to have to look at this very BLACK woman with her degrees and her fierceness and see her as the epitome of the American mother/wife.

This will be a first for white people. They do not want this black woman in the Whitehouse as their first lady. That New Yorker cartoon was [actually] about Michelle - she was its focal point*..look closely... she is the leader, the one starting the "revolution" they want you to imagine****

MSNBC's Chris Matthews said, in the course of covering the Obama candidacy, 'He (Barack Obama) brings none of the ' bad stuff, you know?" By 'Bad Stuff', he meant the legacy of [whites] enslaving Africans in this country, keeping them as second-class citizens until 1965, a mere 11 years before this country celebrated its 200th anniversary. You know, 'the original sin', or 'the birth defect', as Condi Rice called it. Barack escapes this 'bad stuff' only because his mother was white and may have had ancestors involved in the slave trade; and also because Barack's father was not African American. He was full blooded African and therefore Barack had no ancestors enslaved by America - and so the white guilt factor is missing when they think of him. HOWEVER, NO SUCH LUCK WITH MICHELLE!

Michelle Obama is a direct threat and lightening bolt against White Superiority. Because,she's Black* VISIBLY BLACK* But it's important to note, she does not, in any way, shape, or form, contour to the acceptable Black Pathologies that enable White Supremacy to sigh with relief. [welfare mother, fatherless child, druggie, etc.] Michelle was raised in a neighborhood. In a home. With TWO parents. No child revolving in and out of jail. Raised by a Black man who not only provided for his family, but did so, WITH A DISABILITY. Her mother had a working class job - secretary- but it was taken ONLY after she had seen her youngest child settle into HIGH SCHOOL.

Michelle Obama's poise, her confidence, her aura - that was created by that humble Black man, who by all accounts, adored her. He told her that she is worthy, and so, when you have that told to you by the first man who loves and protects you, you seek that validation of that in your choice of mate, you'll settle for nothing less, and Michelle hasn't.

Michelle Obama, doesn't fit any of the acceptable Black pathologies. And when you don't fit the acceptable Black pathologies, then you must be destroyed. Michelle Obama has become the face of the Black America whose existence is routinely denied by this country. Think about it.

In ONE generation, the face of this 'Invisible America' has gone from living on the top floor of a bungalow, to the possibility of living in The White House. And yet, Michelle Obama, refuses to say " I'm special", in order to give white America its usual security blanket [that she is one of the exceptions rather than the rule], So what should be done?

Beat her down into submission.

Michelle Obama represents everything we black women want our daughters to be. When we stand up for her we stand up for ourselves. No other women in the world are more neglected and abused as African women period. Michelle looks like [our] daughters, her daughters look like us. We love the way Barack looks at her we adore the way he looks at his daughters. The Obamas represent the hope that we can be loved by our men and they will support us in whatever we do. Little African American girls need a vision and
dream of what it is like to be loved by a man who looks just like them.

Is America ready for a First Lady who looks like her? A regular black woman? Not a passable biracial curly haired girl that they call black, but a regular black woman from the south side of Chicago? With dark skin?

Is she going to be the face of The Woman on the largest pedestal in the country? A self-confessed "loud-mouth" black woman? If the Obamas succeed, it turns white supremacy upside down. And not because a black man is in the White House; but, because a black woman will be there who didn't have to come in the back door to lie in bed with the president.

Everybody's Crazy Bout a Sharp-Dressed Man

I love a man in uniform, I really do. For the longest time I was sure I was going to the Army. But after this "war," I tell you I am scared to death of a military man.

I was talking to an Air Force veteran the other day. He said he's like 30 and has been married 3 times...and is on the brink of divorce with the current one. I told him, "It's that military in you." He said, "You know what? I think you're right. They all say I have no emotion. They're right, but they knew that coming into it. I'm not romantic at all. I make em laugh, i make em cry; that should be enough."

Now, dearie, that's a trained killing machine. And for years that man (or woman) has been surrounded by unimaginable death and destruction. Are you really surprised he or she may not be romantic?! These people are in a state of constant paranoia where they don't know who the enemy is - but they do know ANYone could be the enemy - man, woman or child. They have to be alert 24/7, and the people they are fighting alongside could be blown to bits in the blink of an eye...And you want them to come home and be romantic? I think these people need automatic and extensive transitional counseling to ease them back into civilian life. I am terrified I'll be laying in bed next to a Marine and his ass might wake up in the middle of the night with a flashback and snap my neck.

I am not involved with a military man, and I don't want to disrespect anyone who is. I can only imagine what it's like for y'all, but after all the hell you've been through, hell naw, I wouldn't ask for romance! I love a man in uniform, I really do - but y'all sitting on the edge of crazy, and unfortunately it's not your fault!

It's Not You; It's Me

I work in a facility full of multi-millionaires. Please believe, I used to park my little 1994 Toyota Corolla right next to their Escalades and Beemers. I deserve to be there in my capacity just like they belong in theirs! The same GM signs all our paychecks, shoot.

But there are other times I feel incredibly inadequate. This morning I looked at the MySpace page of a dude I'm talking to. KABLAM - all I saw in his friends spot-thing were tons and tons of naked chicks. They were very pretty girls: tall, long hair, thick, curvy, built. I was instantaneously convinced that no matter what this dude says, I could not be the type of chick he wants. He's entering the entertainment biz, and looking at the company he's keeping now, I just cannot compete. I see him with a Trina, a Melissa Ford, a Vida Guerra...not a DevaDonna.

As long as I have these feelings of inadequacy, a relationship is not even a possibility. Sometimes when people say, "It's not you - it's me," they really do mean it.

I'm Conceited, I Got a Reason

I would never be one of those women who assumes that everyone who speaks is trynna holla. However, my ex dilligently tried to explain to me that if a guy asks for your number, it's for a reason. So far, I have to admit, he was right.
(Can I conversely conclude that no matter how long we talk, if a guy does not ask for the #, does that mean he wasn't feelin' me at all?)
For instance, I was networking (at work) with this older gentleman (with less than an iota of attractivity.)He works in the field I am trying to go into and asked what I was looking to do when my internship ends. He seemed surprised when I said I had nothing lined up and told me he would keep his eyes open for me because his station has openings all the time. He asked for my contact information, and I unwittingly obliged. (That's why a sista needs a business card, y'all) Well several weeks later, this fellow sent me a random text.
"Hi," it said.
"Hi," I wrote back - I ain't know who it was.
"This is (blank) from Channel (blank). I didn't want to bother you at work so I figured a text would be better."
"Oh! Good to hear from you," I replied, figuring this was a lead on some employment.
"When's a good time to call?" was his next text. An internal red flag went up. I didn't answer.
Several hours elapsed....he sent a duplicate text. Against my better judgment, this time I answered, "Anytime after 5, and please leave a message if I don't pick up." (I guess I was holding on to hope that he had contacted me for a good reason).
"OK," came his reply. "I was hoping we could hang out some time."

WTF!!!! Blindsided again! I looked at that damn text incredulously....took me a while to pick my jaw up off the floor. And in my head I could hear Dave Chapelle saying, "Gotcha, bitch!"

Non-Church Folk Love to Tell Church Folk How to Act

"Christians always be the main ones judging you," is the lame excuse they use

NEWS FLASH: EVERYONE judges you! Hence the phrases:

-perception is reality
-you have one chance to make a first impression
-put your best foot forward
-what you see is what you get

If a Christian has an opinion (particularly if it's negative), people confuse that with being judgmental. Guess what? Being a Christian does not mean you automatically view everything around you as roses and potpourri. If your shirt does not complement your figure, what does that have to do with me being a Christian? If your weave is straight and your roots are nappy, making that observation does not counter my Christianity.

-Why don't you wear sweatpants and gym shoes to a job interivew?
BECAUSE SOMEONE IS JUDGING YOU!
-Why do you come to school sugar-sharp on the first day of class?
BECAUSE SOMEONE IS JUDGING YOU!
-Why do you ball your heart out in a championship game?
BECAUSE SOMEONE IS JUDGING YOU!
-Why are Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie seen as beautiful?
BECAUSE SOMEONE JUDGED THEM TO BE SO!
-Why do celebs take out the trash in a full face of makeup?
BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LYING IN WAIT TO TAKE A PICTURE AND JUDGE THEM!

Granted, I attend a pretty liberal church. We believe Jesus came that we might have life, and have it more abundantly. So you won't hear me say you can't dance, or you can't listen to secular music, or you can't have a drink or you're going to hell if you buy a scratch-off lottery ticket. At the same time, there are certainly some activities I view as negative and therefore decline to engage in.

BUT PLEASE WAKE UP - EVERYONE IS JUDGING YOU - ALL THE TIME!

"Keyboard Gangsters"

That's what John Legend calls today's mad bloggers and Internet writers. People get online, hide behind a screen name and say all kinds of vicious things they'd never say in person. Like the "liquid courage" of loud drunks, the Internet has created a kind of "digital courage," whereby ppl get the nerve to judge others and start all kinds of rumors and lies. It's easy to be a "writer" these days....And once it's in print, the "public" takes their opinions as fact.
But a real WRITER- that's a whole different creature. It's someone who has a very real courage. It takes far more brass and skill to bare your soul before the public. To stand behind your words, having full knowledge that they shape others' opinions of you. It requires a love of language, a belief in the exposure of truth and a hypersensitive passion. To lay your emotions out in the permanency of pen and ink renders you naked.
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Life, Life

Life
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These memories
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"U Can't Have it Both Ways"

Is it absence makes the heart grow fonder - OR Out of sight, out of mind?
Is there a once-in-a-lifetime love - OR "You'll find someone else," like your friends tell you after a breakup?
Is there somebody for everybody -OR is everyone replaceable?
What you see is what you get - OR don't judge a book by its cover?
What happens when you meet the man of your dreams - and he ain't shit?
You never get over your first love - OR Time heals all wounds?
And if time heals all wounds.....why am I still crying?

"You Are in Charge of Your Own Orgasm"

For all you liberated women who own and embrace your sexuality, I applaud you.
All I hear these days is how men want a woman to take charge and initiate things sometimes. "If you don't have an orgasm, it's your fault," these liberated women say. I suppose the popularity of black smut - I mean, erotica - has encouraged this movement. ESSENCE has a monthly sex & intimacy section, and Zane even has her own our series on Cinemax to teach women to get the love/romance/sex they deserve.
But bruthas, if you're looking for me to chase you down with my whip and whipped cream and hop on top with my handcuffs, I'm sorry to disappoint, but it ain't gonna happen! When I stick my toe in the water, there's this littttle thing called religion that holds me back.
For sum ppl, the taboo part of a thing is half the fun - OK, that's fine if it's something like your mama told you to be home at 10 and you sneak in at 11....It's something other else if you read the Bible and believe you're engaging in an act that can sentence you to eternal damnation - the stakes are a little higher here, ppl. We, in our mortal wisdom, allow ourselves to question the Bible and accept the parts we want. I know many young Christians who can tell me more about sex than the contents of Psalms, Samuel or Song of Solomon! That's a huge contradiction to me.
If you're ignorant, stay that way. It's worse if you know to do right and fail to do so.
I know it's a lotta full-out freaks that got ya'll spolied out here fellas. On the one hand, I feel like I need to know the tricks they using to take our men from us "prudes." But on the other hand, if I do something and my Spirit convicts me, that means it was something I should not have done.
It's not my place to tell you something is wrong; that's an individual decision. But for those of us who subscribe to certain beliefs, I'd like to know who gave us permission to bend the letter of the law?
The world tells us sexuality is a beautiful thing and a natural instinct (like hunger and thirst) and that sex is an integral part of a relationship.
But I still can't reconcile that with my guilty conscience.

"Lord, Don't Leave Me Here Too Long"

This is a story about Jesus (so if you don't like Him, feel free to stop reading now.)
My internship, which I absolutely enjoy, was scheduled to end Oct. 17. The Saturday before I got a random phone call from an acquaintance I hadn't heard from in months. Oddly enough, I had tried to call him twice over the summer with no success, but he just decided to check in with me that day and we had a Spirit-led conversation.
I was telling him about how I am back at home with the fam, job search looking bleak, etc...and he told me, "I know how you feel; I just left that situation." He went on to share that he just started a new job that is paying for his grad school, as well as his rent, utilities and cell phone. He said he knows it's hard starting over, but when I prayed I should be specific with GOD. My friend said not to box Him in, but be specific. "Say, 'Lord, don't leave me here too long.' "
I said, "Well, I need to know some things within a week."
Tell you what - On Wednesday (that's only four days later, y'all!) another department asked me if I would like to work with them until January. It was my understanding that the internship was only for two days a week. But then the man started saying what I do would do every day, including weekends....which meant I could postpone the frantic job search at least for another month! The economy is hard, and it's so cold in that D - but I still have a job to go to, even if only for several months.

In the meantime I had an accident two months ago that left me in a familiar position - having to rely on others for a ride. For people who enjoy independence, this is a humbling place to be. My new supervisor asked last Wednesday when I would have my transportation taken care of, and I told him within a week. Now, the first car I bought was the same type of thing - I needed it for a job and had a week to get it done. My mom could tell my faith was wavering and she said, "If you don't think He can do it, then tell them you can't take the job. But I believe that you'll have it when you need it." And I did.
See, the wonderful thing about an example is that it gives you hope that if something happened once, it can happen again.

So here I was in the same sitch, and for this entire two-month period these lyin' brothas said they could fix my ride. Well, I called them back and said I had a week, and they said OK. They came and picked up my money to buy parts and everything. Then on Saturday one of them brought my money back because he couldn't find his partner. This is Saturday....I four days left, y'all.

I was scared to get a car note because, again, I have an internship; not a JOB. But someone called out the clear blue sky and offered to take me looking for a car. Luckily, I had Monday and Tuesday off. I will spare you the details, but I went to bed Sunday night and told God I needed a miracle. I told Him on Monday I was not paying more than $200 a month for a car note. I told Him Tuesday there was no way I was paying $300 a month on car insurance.
On Wednesday, I drove myself to work in my new vehicle.

"LORD, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE TOO LONG!" - That's what you need to tell Him!!!

I do not NEED a man

Let's be clear about that point. But it's kind of like the stories I've heard from people who have lost a limb...You know your leg is gone, but it's still instinctive to try to use it. Your brain still thinks it's there.
(This is not to suggest I am incomplete w/o a bf.) It's just that I'm not used to being without.
Certain things become habit - you get used to considering this other person, used to having someone tell you good morning and good night, used to having a reason to get dressed up and used to having somewhere to go on the weekends. You get used to having someone to encourage, support and confide in...all that jazz. So then when it ends (because as Jazmine Sullivan says,"Why it don't last/Is that too much to ask?") it just takes some getting used to.
I don't need a boyfriend....I'm just not used to NOT having one....that's all I'm saying.
And the adjustment process is taking longer than I had expected.

A professor of mine gave me this book about relationships, and it said people are not made to be alone, but all you need not to be alone is the companionship of another person. It said (and this is common sense here, people) if you don't have friends it's because you're not a friendly person. So I took that to heart and made a conscientious decision to seek positive interaction with those around me. I am social, cordial and I talk to everybody! I find that it makes my day full when I talk to new ppl and share a laugh or a smile or w/e the case may be....But you know sum ppl take that the wrong way ladies. We can't be too friendly or we look... (fill-in-the-blank). Now if I walk 'round with my face all tore up, then I have an attitude. But if I initiate a conversation, then I'm....something else.

For some reason the only dudes in Detroit who holla at me are between the ages of 39 and 50. Now, you can try to filp that into a compliment if you want. "That means you carry yourself mature." BS! I am mature, but them fools know I don't look none of their age! They just sum wanna-be slick predators who are inadequate for women in their age range, so they try to come at us like we will be impressed by their lil piece of job or car or w/e they think they got. Look here, don't be trynna trick on sum suga daddy-type ish. I got a daddy....what I don't have is a BOY-friend....

But I don't need one, y'all. I'm just saying, I'm not used to being without. And it's taking me a minute to get used to it. See the problem these not-on-my-level dudes have is that I've had people who treated me right....so I just can't get with these "women-should-come-at-me" types. For me to pursue a dude would be settling. (Not that I've seen anything worth pursuing, which is another issue). Settling=desperation, and well, Driadonna and desperate just doesn't even sound right. I'm not with the mind games either. This is a NO-NONSENSE SEASON and my BS tolerance is at ZERO....

Married ladies (and old women) love to tell single women to calm down. It'll be alright...hold on...God will send you.....you got your whole life for that....tell them booed up-B****s to be quiet! And them old ones can be quiet too cuz back in the day they was gettin it on, gettin it up and gettin down. (Think about it; don't all your great-aunts have like 8 kids???)

But anyway.....I'll come back to my problem with older men later. For now y'all just take my word that I don't need a man....I'm just not used to not having one. Or at least having options. I mean, damn.

The Suga Daddy Conundrum

Why are older men attractive?

Because younger dudes' maturity level is still evolving. The young black man is in high demand and he knows it, so he's pompous for little good reason. He can be college-educated, he can be street corner-certified....but he's the hotness just because women of all races and levels blow him up. He can have his first little apartment, or be at home with mama. A lot of ladies out here want sum D that bad y'all....So the guys treat you grimey because you are replaceable. Period.
Meanwhile, older dudes have (possibly) been there, done that, learned things the hard way and grown up. They are confident in who they are, their achievements, abilities, etc. They carry themselves differently and give you this sense that, they got you. (Maybe) They can work a room, make everyone feel welcome, show you new things, whatever.
But look here: If you are 42, with a great job, nice house, nice car, sum stocks and bonds, 401K, sum rental properties and (probably sum kids my age) then what does a 21-year old girl have to offer?
She's in a dorm, you own your own business; What shall we discuss over dinner: my tough homework assignment?
Some women have no problem with a man who wines and dines, gives and buys. To me, accepting gifts and things gives me a sense of obligation. (Many women, you will find, do not have this problem.) But it's demoralizing to me as a competent individual and it gives him an inflated sense of power.

I like to feel like I am contributing something and pulling my own weight. I want to feel like I am bringing something to the table.

So no, you won't catch me with a 40-year old. If you got a 20-year head start on life and we are still on the same level, then that's a sad reflection on you, brotha.

There are too many single middle-aged women out here who are beautiful, successful and have a lot to offer for these men to be chasing little girls (relatively speaking). When I see a single 50-yr-old man, I wonder what's wrong with him - he must have been doin sumthin wrong because women his age have deemed him unacceptable....or rather, he is just taking the easy way out and overlooking his counterparts in favor of what looks like an easy ride.

It is tricking if you got it....Unless you are Oprah.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

I do enjoy this show. Black people on TV is always a beautiful thing! (Unless they're on VH1 or BET)



A: I like that sumbody is from tha D!
B: I like that these are sum "life-sized" women. They sum thick girls, y'all - like many real women actually are!
C: I won't say anything about the vanilla woman who wants to be chocolate sooooo bad it's desperate.
D: I also won't comment on how she has found "the one" and he loves her so much he won't be seen in public with her.
E: I also don't understand how it's about housewives, yet one is divroced, one is a jump-off/side piece and one has like 6 businesses....
F: I like NeNe. My mom and aunt call her ghetto and wonder how she snagged such a supportive and wealthy husband. He def. seems like her complete opposite. And while I'm usually not a fan of loud women, I think NeNe is herself and she keeps it real, so I'm not mad at that. It takes sum confidence to be you - regardless of what's going on around you. So do it, Ms. NeNe!
G: Ms. plain-lookin SheRee "I'm so beautiful and successful that's why I can't find a man"... she is sad to me. You are successful at what? Spending your ex-husband's money??? She's not even successful at that cuz they said the divorce has been taking like 7 years. Quit letting that butt-kissing Kim geek you head up.

H: My fav is Ms. Lisa Wu Hartwell. Ladies, you really can't hate: She is not with the drama, she's focused, ambitious, successful, intelligent, assertive, fun-loving and on point! And she looks good while doing it all! We must give respect where it is due. Not only that, but she has a BEAUTIFUL BLACK MAN who is right by her side every step.
(**The only criticism I have is her sense of style must be reworked. If your girl isn't looking her best, pull her to the side and let her know. Lisa had on this nun-looking parishoner at the Amish farm-straight jacket-looking all white suit one day, then took a beautiful gown and threw on sum tacky hooker boots, then at Sheree's party her outfit was lookin like sumthin you'll see on a random soccer mom at the movies...not a million dolla chick. But dammit, if you're a pretty women with a man who loves you regardless, you can do what you want!**)

One thing I noticed though is that SheRee said there was something like 20 women for every man in Atlanta. At first, that number had me shook. "I'm never moving to Atlanta," I thought, "And I damn sure wouldn't even try to ask a man to be monogamous if I did go."
But then I thought about that thing again. And I said, the odds aren't in our favor ladies, but one thing I know is that FAVOR AIN'T FAIR!!! You just might be that one that catches you a good one. Just like Ms. Lisa Hartwell, you might find a man who feels like there are 20 women for every man - but only ONE YOU!

The Issue With Being Equally Yoked

Equal is a subjective term. 1+1=2. That's a fact. But "equal" is a subjective term.

Does equal mean PhD degrees only date PhDs? Muslims only date muslims? I don't know. You have to define what equal is to you. Other people love to tell you when you "can do better." Tell them jokers to hush. Their view of your sitch is different cuz they aren't looking with the same angle you have. Sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes....people will have something to say regardless.

I told my sister the other day that I saw a cute security guard, but I just could not date no flashlight cop and take him seriously. She didn't like that at all! "What's wrong with him? You don't know, he might..." Yall know the rest. What's wrong with him is it's time for me to step up. Not step back. Or step laterally.
I also told her of another young man who I thought was FINE! But he...let's just say his "job" is not one that gives you a W-2 come tax time. He was attractive, but I said to myself, as a young woman with a bachelor of science degree, what I look like running with the rats? I'm not finna get Fanchon Stinger-ed out here. (look it up y'all....)

Now, for one reason or another I am known for being attracted to the riff raff. Yes, y'all; it's true. At school the perception is I like those race car jacket-wearing boys with the dreads and golds.....(that's only half true.) But now if I try to step it up and do sumthing different, then I'm being stuck up and think I'm too good....
TIGER WOODS CAN MARRY A DAMN NANNY....but let me try sum shit like that....

My belief is that if I am as successful and self-sufficient as I plan to be, at that point the man's status is irrelevant. I'm going to be at a level where there is nothing he could offer me financially, so if he works for the FBI or for Foot Locker, there's nothing he can buy me that I can't buy myself. At that point, the intangibles take precedence. How does he make me feel? If the blue-collar brother makes me dinner, runs my bath water, is reliable, faithful, spiritual, intelligent, fun-loving and has good character while million-dollar man is not, is it still lowering my standards if I pick Guy #1?

You think while you're young you can waste time and have fun and date whomever cuz it's "just a date." Well, that one date turns into 2 and and 2 turns into sleepovers and before you know it you're in love....or pregnant...so make every choice count.

Thank You

Hi Anonymous,

When I get a little more time I will respond to all your comments, but I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate you (and everyone else) for taking the time to read my thoughts. And even more so for sharing your opinions. Thank you so much!

Major Bummer

Here's something very disappointing...probably only the ladies will relate. But if you've ever had this happen, it's a bit of a hard pill to swallow: when you are interested in someone and find out they only want you for one thing....
Some guys are more deceptive with the game. Others are transparent. Yesterday, a guy said to me, straight up, "You already know what I'm trying to do." Keep in mind he has spoken to me for weeks without so much as asking my name, but this day he decided to ask me if I would come over his house. At first the line was, "I need someone to clean my house." Then it was just, "So when you comin over?" His house is new, and he told me there was nothing much in it, so i'm like, what would I come over for? That's when he was like...'you already know'
So wait, he tried me like a hoe...and a housekeeper.
I previously thought he was cool people...now I know not to even deal with him...
I don't mind sharing because his trying me is not a reflection on me; I recognize that not everyone will see your worth. But I think we devalue ourselves when we entertain these ppl anyway (which, ladies, you know sometimes we do.)

Tainted Love

Quick question for all FAMU graduates and students(Especially those from Detroit):
When you say you went to FAMU, don't you get tired of people asking your opinion of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick....I swear, that and the band are ALL (white) people know about us!

Look, I vow hold it down for FAM, even if other people won't; as a matter of fact, my degree came in the mail yesterday, lol...

The Bigger, The Better (?)

This will be a short one....Yesterday a co-worker was asking me where I hang out and what clubs I go to. I told him that since graduation, the only place I've been hanging is church...and that the clubs I like aren't even in this zip code. Well, it just so happened that later on that afternoon my sister said she was going out, and I had a friend in town to roll out with.
To put it mildly, it wasn't the best time I've ever had. The most interesting part of the night was checking out the "ethnic" hairstyles. Those girls came with it! (That and the lady in white who "danced" all nite...I think she was at the wrong club, because she clearly was a stripper...I'm like, damn, she makin us look bad with those moves...) - it was a cultural experience.
At any rate, my friend and I could not help but notice that the majority of the women in the club were BIG girls...in dresses my 8-year-old sister could fit. They betta stop shopping in the kids section at Rainbow!

One thing a professor pointed out to me was that big girls seem to have a LOT of confidence. I think this is true. They seem to be vocal about being happy with themslves, which is a lesson we all can learn....However, when you are on the dance floor and the DJ plays crunk music, and these big mamas get to bouncin' round all around you...well, let's just say I had to exit before it got ugly.
On the way home, my friend goes, "Girl, did I miss the memo? It was Big Girls Night at that club. There must have been a mass text message that said, 'Bring your most stretchable dress.' "
(DON'T GET OFFENDED, LADIES)

AIDS is a BLACK disease

I apologize, I am not in the mood to do the necessary research, but visit CNN.com and read the story about AIDS in the black community. It is related to the "Black in America" special report. It says something like 1 in 20 people in D.C. has HIV, and AIDS is the leading killer of black women ages 24-35...don't quote me on that, please, but the stats are staggering. Why does it seem like every city with a high density of black people correlates with the WORST statistics? (HIV, murder, diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, etc) We are killing ourselves and each other, and I am really not sure why. In the most advanced nation in the world, why is there such mis-education....or ignorance to the information in front of us? Understand: everyone in America does not have the same access to information. But you would think by now the message to wrap it up would have seeped into every corner of the country.
The report goes on to say that billions of dollars are spent on foreign aid, (and honestly, even that is not doing enough), but domestic spending specifically for HIV awareness and treatment is exponentially less.
So....yes, Africa needs our assistance. But Detroit needs help, D.C. needs help, and a lot of other places right next door to you.
Why go all the way down the street and around the corner to help someone when the people right in your own backyard need you too?

Black In America - Class of 2008

This is just a short shout-out to all my friends. I am very blessed to be surrounded by ppl who believe in me. It seems like common sense, right? If your friends don't support you then maybe you have the wrong friends....but men, I wonder, do you all really have homeboys who encourage you? Do you have boys who congratulate you when your on your A game, who tell you about new opportunities and speak a positive word to you when you need it? Probly not...Y'all talk about weed, rap, girls, video games, homies who are locked up/killed and other randomness. If I'm stereotyping you, let me know.
I'm just saying: I have a support system of truly positive people who are like-minded and ambitious. They make me think and grow. One friend is entering law school; one is working for NFL Films; one is in aviation school; one just came back from doing research in Africa and the Dominican Republic; one just graduated with a degree in finance; one has a year left in school but has already secured himselfd a job on Wall Street; and many firmly believe in the word of God and speak that truth to me!
We are mostly at a place in life where we are content, confident, humble and excited about what lies ahead of us! And why shouldn't we be? We have descended from Imhotep, Nzingha, Cleopatra, Nefertiti, Sojourner, Madame CJ, Malcolm, Martin, Frederick Douglass and others...Kemet is our home, civilization begins with us, knowledge stems from the seeds we planted, royalty is our bloodline, and each day we are moving toward restoring, displaying and declaring that glory!
THEY DON'T WANT IT WITH US! LET'S GET IT!!!!!

What's wrong with these kids....

Have you heard old people talking about "Kids these days"? My mom wanted to have an extensive conversation with me the other day about how disrespectful I am; how I talk back; and how my generation is going to have to learn the hard way beacuse we just think we are sooo grown.
Well, she might be right. In my mind, I have always been a CEO - even though my title says "intern." See, when you are little, if you have parents with good sense, they tell you to respect your elders. So you do....you look at older people with awe. When you were in middle school, you thought high schoolers were so cool; when you were in high school you thought college kids were GROWN! And you let adults talk to you however they pleased because you were a child.
But when you get older, the awe goes away. You realize that grown people are human too. Age does not exclude them from making mistakes, and life is a continual learning process for everybody. So yes, if you see your aunt or someone acting like an asshole, sometimes you might not be so inclined to treat her with the same respect you did when you were 7. By now, you have developed our own sense of right and wrong, and you afford respect accordingly. But older ppl don't see it this way. To them, age = authority. Ok...you keep on with that 1948 arithmetic.
Perhaps we do have a sense of entitlement. Like we can just skip the dues-paying part and start at the top. BUT DAMNIT, WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT UR BIZNISS U FEEL LIKE U DESERVE A SEAT AT THE BOARD ROOM TABLE JUST LIKE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YEARS....I hate playing my part and being subservient to people who I know would be a lot better off if they just ask my opinion - or give me a chance to prove that I can run it!
Listen, there's a lot to be said for starting at the bottom and working your way up....but when you look at Soulja Boy and others, you see that you can blow yourself up. You can START at the TOP. That makes it hard to lay low and play your part....
And grown folks, just like you think we have a lot to learn; you have to learn something too. There are 21-year-olds with their own cars, houses, bills and jobs...people handling their responsibilities in such a way that makes them truly "grown," so wake up and pick your mouth off the floor when we talk to you the same way you talk to us. You want me to be an adult in some aspects, but other times you want me to stay in a child's place...That would be fine, if I were a child.
I may be younger, but you know what? There are some old fools out here,too...Mom says they deserve my respect. I'm not just out here shittin on ppl, don't get me wrong...but blind subservience to everyone born in decades previous to mine is NOT what's up. "Be seen and not heard" - type stuff? CHILE, PLEASE!

Silence is Golden (?)

One of my very good friends brought something to my attention when I was telling him about my job. I said everything is going well, but one thing I need to do is be more social. I told him my boss keeps remarking about how quiet I am.
My friend said, "You are not quiet. When someone isn't talking, I don't think they're quiet; I just think they're holding back. Because everybody talks."
And he's right....He went on to say that he gets to work 30 minutes early in order to go around the office and speak to everyone. He said some people might not like it, but he's comfortable enough in who he is to be himself around anyone who's around.
I told him, yeah, that's my goal too.....I'm working on it, y'all. Just wait...wait til I get cool enuf with me to be ME....some of y'all have seen a little bit...but you'll know when the task of self-acceptance is complete.

I See You Lookin....

When I go to church, I really try to zone out the people around me and focus on my praise...but if there's one person I can't help but pay attention to, it is my pastor. She is 60-something, but when it comes to praising the Lord, she has the most energy of anyone in the building! Her zeal really inspires me to give my all.
But recently I have noticed another person. My 7-year-old sister. Sometimes she will wear similar clothing to mine, or stand next to me during the service. I try to make sure I'm doing the right thing, since I know she's watching. A few weeks ago, however, I saw that my 3-year-old cousin was doing something interesting: when she comes in church, she stands next to my sister. She looks up to see if my sister is clapping and singing. If my sister stands still, the little girl stands still.
So I get on my sister. I try to get her to do the right thing. She thinks I'm just being hard on her; that's not it. I just noticed that although she is 7, someone else is looking up to her.
And you never know who's watching.

Real Recognize Real

This has been, like, a motif for me the past few months. (take it back to high school lit, y'all)People from all walks of life have dropped this line to me in someway. It must be for a reason.
Most people say I mess with thugs. This is a topic I will thoroughly address later. However, I will say that I just prefer to mess with the real. It's that simple. (I have been faked out though...and very rarely, real dudes have bitch azz-moments.)
How many of you have met a real man? I'm talkin bout a grown man. A beautiful, black man. Someone who has been there, done that and knows how to handle himself. Someone so comfortable in his skin that he can just "do him" regardless of who's around. - Some women mistake this friendly, warm type of man for trying to holla at them. That's not it, mama. He so busy loving life that he wasn't even checking you like that. You just crossed his path and he knew how to brighten your day....you felt the sexiness that is found at the intersection of maturity and confidence.
I'm talking about a grown man, y'all. When you're around him, you have no worries. He got you. He will tell you when you looking good and when you need to tighten up. And HIS sense of freedom gives you permission to be YOU.
I'm talking about a man, y'all. I don't understand these lesbians. The way a BLACK MAN makes you feel...you can't get that anywhere else.
I think guys don't get there until they are about 40 years old....after they've done a lot of living (read: He's been AROUND....)But that's alright. By the time he get to you that means he's done with the bullshit and he's going to keep it REAL...
and if you know me, do not try to guess who I'm referring to, OK? - this could be a conglomeration of real men I'm speaking on.

When he get on he leave your a** for a ....

For the most part, people are easily led. So men, maybe it's not your fault. From the time you were born, somebody told you what beauty was supposed to look like. They told you beauty looked like blond hair, light eyes, long hair, long legs and big boobs.
You know what? The same person told us that, too. That's why it's so hard for some of us to look in the mirror and like what we see. And I don't care what you say, it's also the reason Beyonce has blond hair and Lil Kim has blue eyes.
Now me, I've always been anti-mainstream. If everyone loves it, you can bet I don't get the hype (i.e. Beanie babies, tamigotchis/giga pets, skull-decorated clothing and Rihanna.) But then there's the opposite end of the spectrum - your Erykah Badu-type, wear my hair natural and my clothes don't have to match cuz I'm trying so hard to be different - but i digress.

So for those of us who fall short of the Arian pinnacle of beauty...I don't know what to tell you. My field of view is limited to the NFL organization I work with, but it's likely to be a microcasm of the entire league. The Black men around me are literally worth millions. Some would consider that success. But not these men. Nope! I think success to them is when Coach blows the whistle, practice ends, and they get to go over to the sidelines...and kiss their blond wives. I swear, the family section of the bleachers yesterday looked like a daycare center where only kids who passed the paper bag test could enter.


Granted, I'm referring to the administrators I have seen more so than the players themselves....but the administrators are former players, so what does that tell you? There's this one Cuba Gooding Jr-lookin man who has not spoken to me yet...when I saw him I thought, 'Now I know he got him a Becky on deck.' And he didn't disappoint. (Or rather, he did.)

But I tell you what..real mess with real...there are some black coaches who act like they cannot say hello (Shh....I won't tell your white friends you spoke to a black person if you don't). But then there are the ones who kick it with me like I'm part of the fam.
My sistas, it just looks like this: When these dudes get their millions in hand, they only want Becky to help them spend it. They don't even have to be cute, y'all - long as their tans are purchased instead of natural. I might be invisible until my internship ends....
Wait: before you reduce me to simply being jealous, I said in the beginning that maybe I can't blame these black men....someone told them beauty didn't look like me and you...and they have yet to wake up and think for themselves. And YES, some of y'all come with that, 'Not me, I love black women.' That's what y'all SAY...but then again, you didn't graduate college yesterday worth $15 million, $8.9 of which is guaranteed even if you just come sit on a bench.

CNN's "Special" Report

So...CNN's Special Report "Black in America" may have been an educational tool for those of you who are NOT black in America...or those of you who have forgotten that you ARE black in America.
But, uh, as for the rest of us...we live it - we didn't have to see it. But I applaud the effort.
(BUT PLEASE DO WATCH THE STUDENT-PRODUCED iReports!)

The Price of Beauty

In cosmetology school, they teach how to cut, curl and color...but what about another C: customer service?
All things sold fall into the category of a good or service...so which category should I put haiRdressing in?
Yes, the tangible result of your effort is a good hairstyle, but that requires an element of interaction that is in line with a "service."
So tell me why I should work all week and then pay like $60 to someone with a stank attitude?
Or even worse, someone who makes me wait on them....That's the purpose of making an appointment. In an ideal world, you tell a person to show up when you logistically HAVE TIME to work with them. WHy would you tell Keisha to come at 10, me 10:15 and Kelly 10:30? You know you can't do three heads at once! Then they trap yo ass by getting started and leaving you in various undone phases of the process, so you can't even leave if you want to!
There is NO reason in the world a perm should take five hours. I got to the salon at 10:30 a.m...plenty of time, I thought, before I had to go to work at 3 p.m.
TELL ME WHY I STILL WOUND UP LATE FOR WORK!!??
That is foolishness; I see why people get locks.....

A Great Debate

As you know people tend to mark major life events with a random act of wildness: i.e. cutting your hair after a bad breakup, going skydiving on your 21st b-day, buying a sports car to cure that mid-life crisis, etc....
With that said, I'm considering a tattoo. But I just can't think of anything I'd like to see on my body FOREVER....so for those of u who have tatts, what did you get and why/where? For those who don't, why not??
I'll tell you this; Im contemplating something small behind my ear...once my hair is long enough to cover it, it won't be hood!
THANK YOU FOR WEIGHING IN!

The Sun Still Shines When it Rains

Last Tuesday I was in a car accident -- slammed right in the back of a truck. I was upset at my carelessness, but someone set me straight. "A lady was killed right by here Sunday in a car accident. You should be glad to be alive," they said.
Wednesday at work I wrote a story about two men who were being awarded for rescuing their neighbor. He left some food on the stove and his house caught on fire. Two days later, my roommate left something cooking on the stove all night long. Luckily, another roommate woke up at like 6 a.m. and turned it off.
I have people in my line of social affiliations who mean me no good. People who threaten me regularly and 'pray and pray for my downfall.' Some people say they have 'haters,' but I truly have people who don't even know me, yet go out of their way to avenge a wrong I haven't even done by them. Doesn't make sense? It's not supposed to.
I'm reminded that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities and spiritual wickedness in high places.
There is such a thing as evil. There is such a thing as an Enemy who seeks to steal, kill and destroy - your mind, your peace, your happiness, your success, your health...whatever. But I can still say, "Thank you, Lord." God can show you in the middle of your toughest test that He is still in your corner.

BITCHAZZ-NISS

The Band is back, y'all! I love Diddy. I love Making the Band 4. It's no secret. But this band is bout the softest-looking buncha brothas....and my man from Detroit is just not holding it down. Diddy looked him in his face and said, "you got sum bitchazz in you. I feel it."
DAAAMN!
Funny thing is, i still like them though. I plan to BUY the album. As in go to a store and give a cashier money for it.
Robert can sang! Big Mike can sang! Willie has the most commercial-friendly voice. He sounds like silk on every track I've seen on the show. Brian A - he of the lisp, braids and beads and "Two cuts in your eyebrow trynna wild out....." That lyric is from 1999. Take the hint.
And I'm not gon talk bout Qwanell shoutin at church like dat. I wasn't there; I can't judge his praise. But Lord, when I saw him catching the ghost on TV....Lawd, lawd, lawd....
OH notice i didnt say anything about the girls, who are on this season too. Thats cuz I dont care about them

Two a Days

It's been a minute, I know. Just keep in mind this blog started during my downtime at work...I'm reporting now; free time is sparse.
But the job has provided some springboard topics. Last week I got to shoot video of Signing Day at a local high school. This is where the top high school football players (nationwide) announce to the media which university has bribed their hand in marriage after what likely was heavy courting (and probably sum shady ethix). These boys had options like Stanford, USC, FSU, UF, Big Name University X. They were clearly excellent athletes, very very cute young men...but here's what some of them were not: ARTICULATE.
I tell you what, football coaches and high school teachers of America: Y'all know who has a shot at the pros and who will be recruited by the best schools. Just like u work these boys like animals and prepare them to be million-dollar NFL slaves, why not offer a little professional development, too? You know an athlete will have a microphone shoved in his face repeatedly during his career - let's make sure he can construct a proper sentence. And deliver the sentence correctly. I know grammar isn't on your mind after throwing an interception or rushing for 1,000 yards. But perfect practice makes perfect.
QUOTABLE:
1. "THE SCHOOL I DID CHOSE....WAS UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA."I won't tell you whoh said it because I'm not trying to attack the players. But the whole auditorium corrected him and yelled "CHOOSE!"
2. "I JUST WANNA THANK GOD BECAUSE WITHOUT HIM NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE."The first line every athlete or rapper is taught to memorize. And every player said it. Prolly ain't talked to God in years.
3. "THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY I HAD TO GO TO COLLEGE."
Yes, someone said this. Bless his heart. If you're talented, that's one thing. BUT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH SOCIETY IF YOUNG BLACK MEN FEEL FOOTBALL IS THEIR ONLY WAY OUT.