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Let's be clear about that point. But it's kind of like the stories I've heard from people who have lost a limb...You know your leg is gone, but it's still instinctive to try to use it. Your brain still thinks it's there.
(This is not to suggest I am incomplete w/o a bf.) It's just that I'm not used to being without.
Certain things become habit - you get used to considering this other person, used to having someone tell you good morning and good night, used to having a reason to get dressed up and used to having somewhere to go on the weekends. You get used to having someone to encourage, support and confide in...all that jazz. So then when it ends (because as Jazmine Sullivan says,"Why it don't last/Is that too much to ask?") it just takes some getting used to.
I don't need a boyfriend....I'm just not used to NOT having one....that's all I'm saying.
And the adjustment process is taking longer than I had expected.
A professor of mine gave me this book about relationships, and it said people are not made to be alone, but all you need not to be alone is the companionship of another person. It said (and this is common sense here, people) if you don't have friends it's because you're not a friendly person. So I took that to heart and made a conscientious decision to seek positive interaction with those around me. I am social, cordial and I talk to everybody! I find that it makes my day full when I talk to new ppl and share a laugh or a smile or w/e the case may be....But you know sum ppl take that the wrong way ladies. We can't be too friendly or we look... (fill-in-the-blank). Now if I walk 'round with my face all tore up, then I have an attitude. But if I initiate a conversation, then I'm....something else.
For some reason the only dudes in Detroit who holla at me are between the ages of 39 and 50. Now, you can try to filp that into a compliment if you want. "That means you carry yourself mature." BS! I am mature, but them fools know I don't look none of their age! They just sum wanna-be slick predators who are inadequate for women in their age range, so they try to come at us like we will be impressed by their lil piece of job or car or w/e they think they got. Look here, don't be trynna trick on sum suga daddy-type ish. I got a daddy....what I don't have is a BOY-friend....
But I don't need one, y'all. I'm just saying, I'm not used to being without. And it's taking me a minute to get used to it. See the problem these not-on-my-level dudes have is that I've had people who treated me right....so I just can't get with these "women-should-come-at-me" types. For me to pursue a dude would be settling. (Not that I've seen anything worth pursuing, which is another issue). Settling=desperation, and well, Driadonna and desperate just doesn't even sound right. I'm not with the mind games either. This is a NO-NONSENSE SEASON and my BS tolerance is at ZERO....
Married ladies (and old women) love to tell single women to calm down. It'll be alright...hold on...God will send you.....you got your whole life for that....tell them booed up-B****s to be quiet! And them old ones can be quiet too cuz back in the day they was gettin it on, gettin it up and gettin down. (Think about it; don't all your great-aunts have like 8 kids???)
But anyway.....I'll come back to my problem with older men later. For now y'all just take my word that I don't need a man....I'm just not used to not having one. Or at least having options. I mean, damn.
2 comments:
Hi Miss D: You know I am love reading your postings. I totally understand you on not being without a boyfriend. But you know what, I prayed and asked God for something like more of a companion and I don't think I waited on him to give it to me. But like your friend told you about being specific about prayer and not putting God in a box, I got so bored with the person I thought was it to the point that I really don't even want to be bothered. I prefer to be alone now and do something more positive for and with someone else who can really benefit from my energy and strength and love. That actually turned out to be young children I want to dedicate my life to instilling values and a sense of belonging into so that they understand that someone loves them in spite of and won't give up on them no matter what. I am focusing on those youth who are damaged, abused, disgarded and those who are not part of what society considers normal. I want something to work with. I am now glad and joyful in a way I thought could only be fulfilled by an intimiate relationship.
I know that it is not easy being without something that you are used to because it is like you have been practicing the behavior for so long. You wonder what can fill that void. I had to find out what I really wanted to do and stick with it and let that fill the void I was feeling in my life. And I do agree with the book that your professor gave you that a human being is not supposed to be alone. But there are other people that can fill that spot. And don't pay attention to deeply about what people say about if you don't have friends it's because you are not friendly. That is a lie. I am not a friendly person at all and is considered a loner who loves isolation more than company. But for some reason people flock to me for advice, for friendship, for neighborship, for hugs and kisses and encouragement. I really don't think that I am that friendly but other people see it different. Needless to say, I don't even try to be friends with people. To show you a point, I had several dreams where I was trying to hide from people who werre searching for saying that they needed me. A dream intepreter told me that it was God telling me to stop running and wanting to be alone because there were people who needed my friendship, encouragement and help.
ANd what does all that mean? Who God wants in your life will be in it and in the position he wants them in, no matter what type of person you are. Be yourself Miss D. I have never met you, but the minute I read your thoughts I was in love with your thoughts and boldness of your words. Don't let what someone else doesn't appreciate or understand change you. That will only make you average like everyone else. And that you are not. I wish you all the greatest blessings and just having that which you know your heart and body might truly desire. Surabi
Surabi, thank you SO much for your comment. I definitely need that encouragement! You mentioned at one point that I do not need to be social at work - and I found out how right you are!!! I need to pray for a spirit of discernment because I am quickly learning that work is a competition - there are no friends. I guess it is not my nature to assume that people are "working" me and trying to gain the upper hand, but that is a fact. I have seen that it is better to be polite and professional versus getting comfortable and running my mouth...
"You wonder what can fill that void. I had to find out what I really wanted to do and stick with it and let that fill the void I was feeling in my life." Surabi, girl, you just don't know - this is my prayer! I don't want a person to fill this void; I am seeking to be whole on my own. That means (re)discovering my interests, hobbies and passions, and letting those things fulfill me. I am praying diligently to live a purpose-driven life.
And as far as this point: "Don't let what someone else doesn't appreciate or understand change you." After facing a bit of rejection, it was tempting to do that. So really, thank you for encouraging me to be me. It seems like simple advice, but sometimes it is not so easy to commit to being me in spite of how ppl try to treat me or what's going on around me. Thank you!!!
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