CHURCH-isms

So, if you know me, you know I love church. But you also know I'm an editor at heart. And the editor part of my brain is a part I simply cannot turn off. Yes, I do. I mentally edit your sermon while you're speaking. I'm sorry. I do.

And for the life of me, I just don't understand this dignified, sanctified, educated (thru the sudden calling of Christ) church vocabulary we have. You know, where you hissss every word that endsss in the letter s? And we take the long route to the end of the sentence instead of the direct one? For instance:

-"You know here at XYZ Baptist Cathedral, we come to just love on God today. We have a good time just loving on God."....as opposed to just loving Him. Is loving on Him different than just...loving Him? Cuz maybe I've been doing this love thing wrong...

OR

-"Lord, we welcome you to visit us on tonight"... or "Meet us on Tuesday"
...as opposed to the Lord just visiting us tonight. That extra on didn't make the visitation sound better or more significant. It just made me cringe that you put that word there and you didn't need it, cuz if you take it out your sentence means the same thing, and sounds better.

And then we do things like take a very simple word, but make it sound important by changing it to the adverb past present participle...i.e., last night, I was told I was at a "dedicatorial service." Sound it out-Six syllables, people. Not just a "dedication," but a "dedicatory occasion." Yessss, very auspiciousssss-sounding, indeed.

And don't u love the catch phrases we coin in the church? (Most of which must rhyme.) No lie, Jesse Jackson spoke at a church I recently attended. And he said, "You get your stars from your scars." AND THEN THEY FLIP IT FOR EMPHASIS, USING THE COMMUNICATIVE PROPERTY OF EQUALITY: "For if there are no scars, you get no stars." He went on to say, "You get your glory from your story...and if there is no story,then you get no glory." Yesss, that wasss deep. Indeed.

And tell the truth, you know your pastor just got hold to a phrase he heard in a rap song that was out 10 years ago, and he is wearing that line outtt! YOU KNOW within the past month, your pastor told you to touch your neighbor and say, "Whoomp, there it is!" Or, "It's getting hot in here..." Or maybe he's still dropping sumthing "like it's hot."

Hand, (not 'and,' but 'hand'-short 'a' sound)you know we're good for some acronyms. Last night the first lady was talking about how the adversary tried to move against her. And she said to find that devil under your feet, look him in the eye and say, "BAM!" 'BAM! You shouldn'tve tried to hurt me. BAM! You tried to burn me down. BAM! You shouldn'tve touched me. BAM!" And do you know what BAM stands for...yep, you guessed it: Blessings And Miracles. BAM, devil, BAM!

And I'm not Baptist, so forgive me, but nobody taught me the roll call you must recite in order to give your testimony. "Giving honor to God, who is the Head of my life. The anointed pastor of this house, first lady, deacons, mothers, pulpit and all the members of this congregation. I bring you greetings on behalf of Greater Mt. Huron AME Missionary Baptist Church, 1234 Michigan Avenue, where Rev. Jeffrey G. Jackson is the pastor...." By time you get through all that, I'm seriously thinking about where I'm going for dinner afterward...and trying not to check my phone for missed texts....

One day I'ma tweet an entire service for y'all in real time, so you can see what I'm talking about.