Hide me

I just need to make it through life until my man gets here.

HappY

i never get what I really want

and never like what i get

I work just to pay rent

It just occurred to me that I'm pretty much working just to pay rent.

My cat needs to visit the vet. I also want to take her to the groomer, re-up her flea meds and buy her a playscape. I've been saying this for months. The next thought is always, "I can't afford it right now."

My eyes hurt. They sting and burn incessantly. Right now it's like a throbbing. Probably should find an eye doctor. Don't have nay insurance though. I know I can't afford that.

Earlier today I stopped by the mall. I saw quite a few really nice dresses and tops that would bolster my work wardrobe. Too bad I can't really afford new clothes, I thought. I admired the items just long enough to remember that they aren't in the budget right now...or anytime soon.

Then I talked to my boyfriend, who's looking for apartments. He went to look at a two-bedroom unit, heat and water included, for $765. I pay $1,100. The fact is, nearly 50 percent of my check goes to rent. By the time I pay my cell bill, get gas and groceries -- all staples that would be manageable under different circumstances -- I'm broke before the weekend is over.

I live in LA. That's the part of the game, right? You have to pay to play. You have to make sacrifices. This is a place where I can reach my dreams eventually; high rent could be looked at a small investment in exchange for the chance to "make it."

....but sacrificing current happiness for dreams I may never reach sounds like a quick way to waste a life.

I'd rather go somewhere that allows me cheaper rent and money to live. Money to take a trip when I want, take care of my health, pay my tithes, debts and my car insurance in the same check. Why does that sound so impossible?

God's compromise

I won a contest on Twitter. This is notable because I never win anything.

Just like that, Ebony Magazine was sending me to the House of Blues to see Common. From experience, I know Common puts on a great show. Unlike the first time, however, I didn't have to go by myself. That made it much better. 

To my surprise, Estelle was the opening act. She was so fun! The girl is spunky and has some good songs that few people beyond me know the words to :)

All in all, my friend and I had a great time. We paid $15 to park and spent $18 on two drinks, and were alive enough to briefly consider going out afterward. That burst of energy was rather fleeting, but it's important to log the moments that make you feel alive, however long they last.

I realized later that perhaps me randomly winning tickets was God's compromise, since I had to work on New Year's Eve. If that is indeed the case, then thank you, Lord.

Happy New Year

From time to time, I do things generally regarded as stupid, particularly when it comes to my career.

I'm pretty sure such a choice will take place again soon.

As I type this, it's one hour and five minutes to 2014. And I'm working overnight.

You're 27, you live in Los Angeles...and you're at work on New Year's Eve? As a friend told me not too long ago, "Dude, that's why you're not getting laid." That bitch was right.

It didn't even occur to me to request this day off, because, shoot, when do I ever work a Tuesday overnight? Naively assuming I was safe, my eyes filled with terror when I got my schedule a week or so ago.

"Maybe God is saving you," my mom offered by way of condolence.

"Saving me from what, fun?" I answered.

I'm disappointed that on the precipice of a new year, I feel a nasty, joy-stealing mix of frustration, malaise, discontent...all of which aren't even entirely rational. A combination of factors dropped me off here, feeling dread when everyone else is all, "This is my year! Just watch!" But if your life arouses these feelings within, especially at this time of year, it's time to read the tea leaves.

Clearly, I have financial goals and a shitload of bills to pay. But 2014, it has been collectively decided, is a year of doing what thee fuck you really want. Honestly, there's been times I was happier working at the mall than working "in my field." And times I wake up longing for a place that's cold, dangerous and gray, instead of my sunny, palm tree-lined,  beach-bordered haven.

Complaining is a vain exercise. I know this. And part of new years is being bombarded by quotes extolling that a person, at any time, is capable of living the life she truly wants to live, should she so decide...