Sober

"Ma, let me tell you bout this stupid boy from work!" I forgot I have thee most unsympathetic mother in America. (Can you hear the doves crying?)

A coworker had stopped by my place to "borrow" my Internet in the days before his service was connected. I was in Friday chill mode, also known as wine-drinking time. It falls between morning exercise and my overnight work shift.

I promise, I sat on the couch minding my own business, not even attempting to make small talk. Somehow, dude still managed to spend most of the time he was there telling me, "You need to turn down." And repeatedly saying that I am mean. Here's a replay: "Yo, you're like, hella mean, yo."

So I tell this to my mother. She's supposed to say, "Ewww, what a dick! If you're so mean, why didn't he just leave?" (That's how cool moms talk, right?)

But instead she says, "Are you sure there isn't some truth to that? When we drink too much, we tend to get mean. Not to mention, alcoholism runs on both sides of our family, so we have to be careful."

My face: o_O

Nowhere in my retelling was alcohol mentioned...I was thrown, but I decided against answering, "No mom, alcohol doesn't make me mean. It makes me vacillate between a horny slutbucket and an emotional ball of snot."

I just vowed not to call her anymore when I need validation.