Sh!t's Not Real Enough Yet

I have friends who can go out and barely spend a dime. Meanwhile, I need a drink or two along with my  meal and appetizer.

Lesson 1: Alcohol ain't cheap.
Lesson 2: Especially if at a chain restaurant, the food won't even taste that good.
Lesson 3: And it's likely overpriced for the portion size.

I've long admired those who have the ability to "live on less." Though I know discipline is needed in these times, I've tended to act out in rebellion. "I still deserve to enjoy myself," I say, as I indulge in some vice that only briefly makes me feel better, if at all.

A mentor who was applauding himself for finally getting out of credit car debt paraphrased the tough journey by saying he wound up paying hundreds of dollars in interest - on top of the price tag -  for stuff he can't even remember buying in the first place...yeah, that sounds about right.

Yesterday I spent $22 on accessories when all I wanted was a headband to cover my edges. I wanted a blazer (I'll need it for my future job, I reasoned) and some shorts (for next summer!) as well, but those damn earrings cost way too much, and they were final sale. I immediately felt all kinds of buyer's remorse. I sat down for lunch and was so mad that I didn't have the discipline to tell myself NO for once.
Note: Such remorse is unusual. It usually comes only after making emergency purchases such as a new car battery, or purchases for others, such as cat food.

And then it hit me: Earlier I'd been chiding my sister for having a sh*tty job and not trying to find a better one. "Sh*t's not real enough for her," I said.
Because she still has the luxury of mommy and daddy footing the big bills - and helping her in-between - the situation isn't dire enough for her to actively pursue something else. And whilst I was beholding the mote in her eye, I wasn't considering the beam in my own. 

I have a shopping problem. And it's only a problem because I buy these items with credit, which means I really can't afford them at all. Until recently, I've always had good credit, so getting another card wasn't an issue. But if I didn't have the luxury of a card, how would I purchase these items? Exactly: I wouldn't. I need to get just that real with myself. If I don't have physical dollars and coins, I don't have it. And I KNOW I'm only hurting myself in the long run. When you knowingly continue to do things that are deleterious, that makes you an addict. It's not crack, it's not liquor, but it's harmful to my financial health and well-being. I am putting myself further at a disadvantage with every receipt I rack up, and as someone who claims to hate being in debt, that just doesn't make sense.

They say admitting your problem is the first step. So I'm owning it. And while I really believe in buying stuff before I need it so I can stay ready for 'come what may,' I have to challenge myself to live on what I make...not what I hope I'll make later so I can pay for it then.  

*Deep Breath* This isn't going to be easy....