Today, I cried

Just moments before, I was proud that I'd finally gotten to work early. For some reason, this is a Herculean feat for me.

Then I blew my lead. I rounded the corner to the parking lot and crumbled. 9:45 a.m., and already a lot had taken place. Each incident was another tick, leading to this moment of implosion.

As I was packing my lunch, my roommate's cousin began trying to converse with me. It was fine for a minute, but when he got down to inquiring about the toppings I was putting on my salad, my patience wore thin. "This dude is forcin' it," I thought ... But then, it was actually kinda sweet. When's the last time someone wanted to converse with me so bad that they looked for any small window to break into? He recently said some very nice things to me, and although I wished those words had come from someone about whom I felt the same, I asked the Lord for the grace to manage the situation without hurting his feelings.

Minutes later, I stopped by Starbucks. Everyone has a favorite barista, right? I hadn't seen mine in a minute, but he was there today. Yes, he. Need I say more?

So yeah, small talk, yada, yada, yada. Then, "Thank you, have a good day." Happy to see him. Not happy to be just another customer. You get me?

But I drove to work and thought about it. And Fantasia was on my radio singing, "If you don't want me then don't talk to me/Go ahead and free yourself." And I realized I wasn't actually terribly interested in that (cute) guy. Or any other guy out here. I had a cute guy at home ... I didn't want him. I didn't treat him like I wanted him. He still stuck around. He still wanted me. He got smart though. He doesn't anymore. And as these things often go, I can tell you several big mistakes I've made in my life. I would put that one first.

Love is grace. It is often something we don't deserve and didn't earn. The least we can do is appreciate it.

And so I cried. I sat in the parking lot, and bawled. And wished that hindsight wasn't 20/20.